Tuesday 8 January 2008

Forward planning

Normally, when I get to the end of a box of tampons, I buy another box – that way, I won’t get caught short the following month.

This month, however, I paused and thought about it some more. If I get a period next month, it will be because this cycle of IVF has failed. Should I remain optimistic, and work on the assumption that I may not need said tampons? If I buy the tampons, am I admitting to myself that I won’t get pregnant as a result of the treatment? Will this then become a self-fulfilling prophecy?

I want – no, I need – to believe that this will work. I do not want to think about how I will feel if I get a negative result. I am terrified by the thought that I could put myself through all this, and still be left with nothing at the end of it. And yet I know that, statistically speaking, a negative is a more likely outcome than a positive. Obviously, there are plenty of stories with a happy ending out there. But there are lots of others that don’t end so well: I am not naïve enough to think that this will definitely work out for me.

Mr H tells me that I am a born pessimist - that I could make Eeyore look cheerful. But experience has taught me that shit does happen, and that it’s best to be prepared. And so I bought the box of tampons.

7 comments:

Katarina Jelly Beana said...

You'll be able to use them in about a year (after pregnancy and recovery) and they won't go bad, so good idea to make the purchase.

:)

Malloryn said...

::crossing my fingers that you won't need them::

I hope that the first phase of your treatment is going all right, and that your appointment gives you some good news about the stims.

Kim said...

I used to buy huge, huge quantities of tampons out of personal superstition that having millions of feminine hygiene products around would ensure I would get pregnant. Like the way it never rains if I carry an umbrella.

Just think how stocked you will be for guests!

Meg said...

Hopefully in a few months you will be dipping those tampons in pastel paints and hanging them from an easter tree. what the hell is an easter tree you ask? i have no clue.

luna said...

I could have written this post a few months ago. Everything from needing to believe it would work, to trying to be realistic, to questioning the self-fulfilling prophecy, to debating about the crazy tampons. Of course you must believe it will work -- how else could we possibly subject our bodies to this but for the belief that it will work?

and I agree they could make lovely christmas ornaments, or you could use use them to mop up a spill... ~luna

Lisa Rullsenberg said...

You could always do a recreation of some of those feminist art projects of the 1970s and 1980s. They used a lot of tampons...
Not like I'm falling for promoting the stereotypes of that era or anything...
;)

TABI said...

Really hoping you never open that box!! But I agree with the suggestions for creative tampon usage. You never know how they might come in handy.