Wednesday, 2 April 2008

Back on the treadmill

Today, I went to have my Day 3 bloodwork taken. At our review appointment, Dr Abrupt reassured me this was nothing to worry about - repeating the test was standard procedure for anyone about to embark upon a new cycle of IVF. In one of his rare flashes of bedside manner, he informed that it was, 'statistically speaking', highly unlikely that my FSH levels would have risen dramatically since they were last checked in November.

And yet I am worried. Since my first cycle was cancelled, I have been searching for a reason as to my poor response. There is a small part of me that accepts that this may have been because I was either over-suppressed or under-stimulated, in which case I may do better on a shorter protocol/higher dosage. And yet, from the reading I've done, there does seem to be a clear correlation between poor response and diminished ovarian reserve. And so, lying awake at night, I have managed to persuade myself that my ovaries are on their last legs (last week, I was even convinced that I was suffering from perimenopausal hot flushes, until Mr H confessed to having turned the central heating thermostat up!) I am worried that the lab may have made a mistake with my previous tests, thereby lulling me into a false sense of security. I am worried that this test will reveal that my FSH levels have shot up over the past few months. I am worried that, even if my hormone levels are within the prescribed range, I still won't respond to the stims. I am worried about the longer-term effects of taking such high doses of fertility drugs.

When I started out on this process just before Christmas, I was scared at what I was about to put my body through, but I was also relieved finally to be doing something that might actually have brought us closer to having a baby. I wasn't banking on it working first time round, but I was banking on IVF at least being an option for us. But now, I've lost my IVF innocence. I'm going into this cycle with my eyes wide open. Fertilisation reports, transfer, 2wws - at the moment, all of these seem like things that happen to other people. I'm just focussing on making it to retrieval this time round - a few good follicles, two or three mature eggs would do me fine.

My baseline ultrasound is scheduled for 21 April. If everything looks OK then, and my bloodwork is within the normal range, I will begin the treatment itself when I get my next period.


Jendeis said...

You seem so anxious; just wanted to let you know that I'm here and I'm pulling for you. :)

luna said...

best of luck, ms. h. and don't worry about the FSH, it's not the best indication anyway... all you need is a few good eggs... wishing you lots of luck and support with this cycle. and thanks for your comment, as always. ~luna

Lisa said...

I'm rooting for you!!

Lisa from

jp said...

I'm thinking good thoughts for you (especially about the "palace" of embryos and all that)

annacyclopedia said...

I understand your worry - my anxiety always spikes when change or some new action is imminent. I hope much of this worry will be replaced by peace as you head into this new cycle. I'm thinking of you and wishing you all good things.

Thanks for your good wishes on my blog - they really mean a lot to me.

Dagny said...

Just got my first cd3 levels back, (and the wait killed me!!) and they were better than expected, though I know that by no means promises success.

Good luck on your next cycle!

the Babychaser: said...

I hate that eyes-wide-open feeling. It's just a nice way of realizing "now I know how much this could end up sucking."

I really hope this doesn't end up sucking. It sounds like there's a lot of good chances out there for this to work. Hopefully once you decide on a course of action you'll feel a lot more peaceful.

Good luck!

Mrs.X said...

I think you have a great deal of strength to embark on this path again and so soon. The thought of it makes my head spin, so I am particularly impressed that you are facing this head on. Best of luck and just remember to breathe. One step at a time. One day at a time.

Malloryn said...

Give yourself a pat on the back for getting back on the treadmill. I find that comparison to be quite appropriate, as AFT can make you feel like you're taking part in a never-ending race. I wish you the best of luck with your next cycle, and I hope the lab results are good.