Monday, 1 September 2008

Uncharted waters

I am now beginning to understand how my experience of this second pregnancy has been overlaid by memories of my first pregnancy.

On Thursday of last week, I suddenly experienced a wave of intense anxiety. I crawled into bed and gave in to the fear that I would once again miscarry. "I can't lose this baby," I sobbed to myself. "I simply can't go through all that again."

It was only later that I realised that I was at that point six weeks and four days into the pregnancy - the exact time at which I began bleeding last time round.

But I didn't start bleeding. And somehow it feels very significant to have made it beyond that point. I have only just realised that I have been so completely focussed on the idea that I would miscarry, that I haven't really considered the possibility that I might not.

But now I am entering into the seventh week of pregnancy. I am sailing into uncharted waters. And, although I remain acutely aware of all that still could go wrong, I am no longer as convinced that it will necessarily all go wrong. I am slowly learning to balance the terror of another miscarriage against moments of unconditional joy, when I am able to accept the fact that, against all the odds, and without medical intervention, I am in fact pregnant.

13 comments:

Gina said...

Have you read The Secret? I know it must be rediculously hard NOT to think those kinds of thoughts but I think they can be so damaging. Plus, it sucks to be scared all the time! (long time panic attack sufferer)

They have The Secret on DVD and in a book.

Good luck.

womb for improvement said...

I really hope it all works out, and that you can start to properly enjoy being pregnant.

s.e. said...

It is truly not fair how the past can taint our emotions and experiences. I wish I could peel the fear away and that you could enjoy each moment of pregnancy. I am so happy for you to be past a big milestone. Cling to that.

BB and MTB said...

Indeed, it is a tremendous relief to make it past that milestone. Congrats again and continued best wishes.

Lisa said...

Of course it's normal to have those thoughts. Honestly, how could you not. But, here you are, at 7 weeks, past that point! Not that you won't still worry, but, that is a milestone that you should celebrate!

annacyclopedia said...

I'm sure the previous commenter means well with The Secret, and more power to anyone who feels that sort of thing resonates with them. But I'm more of the belief that your emotions are necessary parts of life, and that they can be powerful teachers and healers. The fact that you were struck with huge anxiety at the exact point in this pregnancy that your last pregnancy started to go wrong - to me this is a sign that your heart knows things way before your mind does, and is giving you a chance to heal that grief. I believe it's only by inviting all of it in that we really get a chance to transform ourselves and our lives. And as you head into these uncharted waters, your heart is leading the way again - to greater balance, happiness, and joy.

So keep feeling it all, sweetie. I'll be here, along with many others, sharing your sadness, your worry, and absolutely relishing your moments of unconditional joy. To say I am thrilled to bits for you is the understatement of the year.

The secret diary of an infertile said...

Glad that you have made it past that milestone and here's to making it past many more.

The secret diary of an infertile said...

Glad you have made it past such a significant milestone and here's to making it past many more.

luna said...

so glad everything is going so well! hope you can enjoy this!

Shinejil said...

I think fear is natural. If you've been terrified by an experience, you'll have an involuntary wave of fear next time you confront something similar. But you did the right thing: curling up, letting it wash over you, moving on in hope.

I am so very happy for you, dear, and I hope you continue to sail smoothly to a whole other shore. Just keep us updated on the journey, okay?

Deborah said...

Wishing you so much joy in you NEW adventure.

Keeping you in my thought and prayers.

TABI said...

It's so hard not to worry about loss after you've been through one or multiple already. It's a hard balance to not be skeptical every time. I am so glad it is continuing well and wishing you more good news!

Dreamer4agift said...

Congratulations on getting to the next step. I can understand why you'd be basically waiting for the other foot to fall...but I'm keeping you in my thoughts and praying for a continuous positive experience for you.

Stay strong, you got this.