Wednesday, 6 August 2008

Groundhog Day

This morning, I found myself back at the Great Big Infertility Clinic.

Mr H is away on work, and so I walked the long lonely walk down the corridors of the hospital by myself. I passed the NICU and the delivery suite before pushing open the double doors to the clinic. I sat down in the waiting room and read the December 2006 edition of Marie Claire magazine. Eventually they called my name and I went in to see Dr Abrupt.

Dr Abrupt and I appear to have reached a rapprochement. I wrote to him and explained that I was unhappy that he chose to communicate information about my treatment to my GP and not direct to me; he wrote back and apologised. We have agreed that, if the FET is not successful, we will arrange a longer appointment to discuss where we might go from here.

The baseline ultrasound revealed that I had ovulated from my right ovary this month, and that my lining was good at 14mm. Dr A reassured me that everything looked entirely normal, and that he is happy to attempt a natural FET on my next cycle.

But I cannot escape the feeling that we have been here before. I always manage to pick up the December 2006 edition of Marie Claire in the waiting room; my baseline ultrasounds always look 'entirely normal'... and then something always seems to go horribly wrong: either my ovaries don't respond to stimulation and the cycle has to be cancelled, or else a polyp suddenly shows up in my uterus.

And so it is difficult for me to believe that everything may go according to plan this time round. Our one embryo was frozen at pronucleate stage (Dr A explained that this is the clinic's usual policy if they know for sure that they will not be proceeding to transfer, the thinking being that embryos are more robust at this earlier stage and so are more likely to survive the freezing process). It not only has to survive the thaw, but also to go on to cleave. I find it hard to allow myself to believe that it may actually make it out of the freezer unscathed, yet alone develop into a viable embryo that is able to be transferred.

Sometimes people tell me about the power of positive thinking. But it's hard to remain positive when experience has taught you otherwise. Somewhere along the lines, I've lost my IVF innocence. Of course, I still hope that this may work, but I no longer believe unconditionally in happy endings. And if all it really took was a bit of positive visualisation, then surely we'd all be pregnant by now?


luna said...

it would be nice if all it took was the power of positive thinking, wouldn't it? we can be positive for you for now.

your lining sounds very impressive!

annacyclopedia said...

I've lost my innocence, too, at least when it comes to the power of positive thinking and guaranteed happy endings. And once that innocence is lost, it's just so hard to find a balance between positive thoughts and cold, hard, realism based on the facts of the past.

That said, though, logically speaking, the past doesn't determine the future. This time could be different - that's why this whole life-creating project we're all on is a mystery. I truly hope it is different for you, and you get to pick up the September 2008 issue of Marie-Claire the next time you're in the waiting room, and that all good and different things follow from that.

Lisa said...

Oh, I so hope this works for you, too!!

And, yeah, I've been there, sitting, once again, in the doctors office being told the same thing (we can keep trying in the hopes of getting the great egg, but,...donor egg.....blah blah blah).

womb for improvement said...

Good luck with the transfer, should it go ahead. I'm not a great believer in the power of positive thoughts, I'm much more of the school of thought, believe the worst and things can only get better. Hope this is one of those cases.

Lisa said...

I do believe that positivity begets positivity, and that good things can and do sometimes happen as a result.

But I don't believe that pregnancy (or whatever else you're wishing for, specifically) happens *because* you've engaged in some positive visualization. I also don't believe that something won't work simply *because* you have negative thoughts, doubts, or a complete sense of disbelief.

I'm with luna -- I can be positive for you, as can others. You just have to get yourself through the process in whatever way makes sense for you.

Glad that things look good to start! :)

-Lisa from IG

Pamela Jeanne said...

The innocence is one of my biggest IF casualties. I look with such nostalgia back to the days when I didn't know any better.

As for this cycle, the past is no indication of the future. I'm definitely one for positive thinking...

the Babychaser: said...

Oh screw positive thinking! Yes, I think it plays a role in calming yourself. And yes, I think that some healing can come from visualisation. But I don't believe for a minute that an embryo that isn't even in your body will be affected by negative thoughts about whether it will survive the thaw.

So if positive thinking makes you feel good, go for it. But if it's just making you feel guilty about your inability to think positive, then fuck it--think what you like

Malloryn said...

I'll admit to not being a big believer in the 'power of positive thinking' when it comes to myself and our chances of conceiving. I think a lot of it comes down to what you said about losing that innocence. I miss those pre-IF days and the thought that anything was possible. Of course I'll be happy to send you as many positive vibes as I can muster! I truly hope that this cycle is the one for you.

womb for improvement said...

Btw, I just 'tagged' you, go over to my blog for details. Up to you if you want to do it or not.

Mrs.X said...

It is so hard when you keep going back expecting a different result, but the movie starts the same way and you think that there is no chance whatsoever for a different outcome. It's a rut, like no other. And, it is no surprise that it is hard for you to be positive about this experience. So many things have to fall into place and you have no control over whether they do or not.

My only advice is to just take it one day at a time. You can't predict what will happen this time, anymore than you could have predicted what would happen the last two times. And, today, right now, you are doing pretty good. So, celebrate that right now and don't try to look too far into the future because even if it looks as if things are starting out the same way as before, you never know.


Shinejil said...

I got really jaded by months of positive thinking and negative results. I don't know if it helps (my guess is no) but I know for sure that it hurts you if you feel obligated to look on the bright side, keep your chin up, yadda yadda.

Feel what you feel. It won't always be this way forever. And as Luna so beautifully put it, we're here to be positive for you, when you just can't muster the energy.

Thinking of you...