Thursday, 14 August 2008

Against all odds

Something entirely unexpected has happened, which I am strangely reluctant to write about - it feels almost as if saying it out loud may jinx it.

By the end of last week, I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of my period: the plan was that I would ring the clinic when it arrived, so that we could start a natural cycle FET. I normally have a 26 day cycle. Day 26 came and went, with no sign of my period. It didn't show up over the weekend, although I did experience some on and off cramping. We went out to lunch on Sunday, when I noticed Mr H staring admiringly at my chest. "Is it me, or are your breasts bigger than usual?" he asked. When I came to think about it, they were feeling pretty tender.

Late period, cramping, sore breasts... the idea popped into my head, but I dismissed it. I know you hear about women who suddenly get pregnant without medical intervention even after several failed cycles of IVF, but that's just an urban infertility myth isn't it? "I'm sure it's just this top," I told my husband. "Now, what are you having for your main course?"

I began to roll the possibility over and over in my mind. At first, I was too scared to test: I was convinced that it would be negative, and I just wanted - however briefly - to enjoy the fantasy that we had somehow managed to beat the odds and conceive spontaneously, before my period arrived and all my hopes came crashing down.

But by Tuesday my period was five days late. And so I took a deep breath and POASed. Straight away a line showed up in the 'pregnant' window. I woke Mr H up. "Look at this," I demanded. "It must be a faulty test."

I took another test yesterday morning - again a clear and unambiguous positive. I still couldn't quite believe it, so phoned up the Great Big Infertility Clinic to demand a beta. The nurse explained to me that it wasn't necessary. Two positive HPTs were proof enough. But what if my HCG levels aren't rising, I asked. What if I'm about to miscarry? What if it's ectopic? Should I perhaps start the progesterone pessaries? She explained that, given that I had conceived spontaneously, my body should be producing all the hormones it needed to sustain the pregnancy. "Just try to relax and not to worry too much," she added.

But I have been here before. I am all too aware of just how abruptly these things can come to an end. I feel as though the rug could be pulled out from under my feet at any moment. And so I'm not going to jump up and down screaming hysterically about my 'big fat positive'. Instead, I'm going to hold my breath and wait very quietly until I go for my first scan on 27 August.

26 comments:

jay said...

Oh wow! Congratulations! I've got my fingers crossed for you, even though I'm sure all will be well. I hope the wait until the scan isn't too nervewracking!

I hear you about "faulty" tests though. We thought our first positive HPT just had to be broken because it couldn't possibly be positive. And then the second one, and, blah.

xx

Malloryn said...

I'm cautiously very excited for you! This is incredible news. I wish the clinic had allowed you to take a beta to put your mind at rest for a bit. I'll keep my fingers crossed that everything goes well at the scan.

Jendeis said...

OMG!!! Hoping that everything goes well - keeping my fingers crossed for you guys.

Deborah said...

That's fantastic news! Fingers and toes crossed for you.

annacyclopedia said...

[whispering this whole comment] A very quiet but excited "hurrah!" and much love and prayers and good thoughts coming your way. I know this wait is likely going to be harder than any other, but we're all here for you and holding hope for you.

Kim said...

OH WOW! That is fantastic! I understand your reluctance to get too excited just yet. I took the same approach until well into the 2nd trimester. Too much experience to think nothing bad could happen.

Sorry I haven't been commenting much -- but I had to make time today because I have been keeping up with your blog and wishing for some good news.

So, a cautiously optimistic... Yea!

s.e. said...

This is incredible news! Stay cautious but let a smile sneak in every once in a while. How amazing after everything spontaneous sex really works. You are in fact pregnant no matter how quiet you stay. An urban legend giving hope to each one of us out here!

luna said...

wow, what wonderful news! try to believe and allow yourself that hope. quietly wishing with you.

Lisa said...

Brilliant news! I am just so happy to see it!

(Assvice alert!)

I know it's hard not to worry, but do what you can to enjoy and believe . . . this HAS happened, and it's real right now. You have every reason to be hopeful, and we'll all be rooting for you every step of the way.

Lisa said...

Well, if you're holding your breath and wait very quietly, I'm going to virtually sit next to you and hold my breath and wait very quietly with you. But, in the second in between holding our breaths, when we inevitably have to let out the bad air and breathe in the new fresh air, I'm going to whisper a very tiny congratulations to you and a prayer for you!

Shinejil said...

I know this isn't easy, but I'm very happy for you. I really, really hope all goes perfectly on the 27th.

Pamela Jeanne said...

also whispering here...and hoping that this is one for the record books.

BB and MTB said...

I totally understand the unwillingness to believe, the doubt, and the stress.

I will be excited for you and simply say Congrats!! I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful, happy and healthy 9 months!

Hekateris said...

Is it okay if I scream hysterically for you?

Actually, um, the smile is pretty wide at the moment, too...

Oro
birchandmaple

Hekateris said...

Urban myth, no! Barren Mare got pregnant after her 2nd failed IVF, and of course Karen from 'Land of milk and poo' got pregnant after years of failed infertility treatments, a miscarriage or two (I think, it's been a while), and adoption - yes, she's one of the 2%!

mybabyquest.wordpress.com said...

Congratulations, try to enjoy and be hopeful.

Goodluck.

Meghan said...

Very quietly cheering you on ;) Here is my whispered congrats

the Babychaser: said...

Oh my god oh my god. Wow. I said that very quietly, by the way, so as not to wake the sleeping Fate.

But the clinic is right--HPTs are pretty damn accurate. And a quick result with a strong line is a good sign of a decent beta.

Hang in there for the wait. But it sounds really really really good.

womb for improvement said...

*gasp* shhh. nice one!

Keeping it all crossed for you.

loribeth said...

Waiting & hoping along with you!

bleu said...

Congrats, I am right there with ya waiting on the u/s.

Phoebe said...

Holy crap! Congratulations!! Don't be afraid to demand some progesterone from your doc if you think you need it. Never believe what the nurses say. I can't tell you how many times a doctor has told me something different than his nurse!

Gina said...

Oh wow - that's so awesome! I just discovered your blog a week or so ago and already you are knocked up! Wishing you well.

Lanie said...

OMG! I'm so (cautiously) excited for you. What a wonderful surprise. I was so excited when I read this in your blog, that I gasped and DH asked me if anything was wrong. Absolutely not! Yeah for you!!!

Mrs.X said...

I leave for three days, and look what happens. Oh my dear Ms. Heathen. I am cautiously happy and thrilled for you. But, I know how nervewracking this must be for you. I would try to say to enjoy it and not worry, but I know that you would look at me as if I told you to stand on one leg for 24 hours. Sending you all of the positive thoughts in the world for an uneventful and delightful first scan. It can happen, my dear, even to you. :)

Shinejil said...

Thank you, Mrs. H, for your words today. They mean so much, and you're so right about the "creeping failure" phenomenon. IF can do a number on your self-confidence, even in areas where your reproductive function is irrelevent. I really appreciate the perspective, that we're both trying to do two really hard, shitty things at once.

Makes it easier to bear.

I hope you're hanging in there. I was overjoyed to hear about your surprise, and I'm cheering and hoping for all to go just as it should (i.e. very well).