Monday, 5 May 2008

A kick in the guts

I feel - literally and metaphorically - as though I have been kicked in the stomach.

As I continued on with the meno.pur injections over the course of last week, my abdomen grew progressively more tender. I interpreted that pain and discomfort as a sign that the drugs were working as they should. With every twinge, I visualised the follicles appearing on my ovaries. I imagined them growing to a good size. I attended Saturday's scan feeling optimistic. I was expecting a better response than last time round.

Since our first attempt at IVF was cancelled, I have trod that fine line between hope and caution. I have listened to those who told me that there was every reason to expect that I would have a better response on a shorter protocol, and with an increased dose of drugs. I have done everything I possibly could to try and ensure that this cycle worked. I have given up alcohol and caffeine. I have eaten as healthily as I possibly could. And nothing - not the weekly acupuncture sessions nor the expensive anti-natal vitamins - appears to have made any difference. The polyp is just the final fucking straw.

Yesterday, we toyed with the possibility of simply cutting our losses, of not going ahead with the retrieval. After my lap & dye test three years ago, I suffered a particularly bad reaction to the anaesthetic. I am exhausted by the prospect of having to undergo two sedations, and two unpleasant and uncomfortable gynaecological procedures in a short space of time: one to retrieve the eggs, another to get rid of the polyp. Neither of us are optimistic that this cycle will result in viable embryos. I have only two follicles, either or both of which may turn out not to contain a fully mature egg. Even if we get two eggs, they may not fertilise, or may be damaged as a result of the ICSI procedure. Any embryos we do get may not survive the freezing process.

I suspect that there may well be a problem with the quality of my eggs, as well as with the quantity. I have reached the point where I need to know whether there is any point in us continuing treatment; I'm not sure whether I can go through all this again. If we go ahead with the retrieval, then at least they will be able to give us some indication as to whether we have any chance of having a child that is genetically related to both of us. And so, at exactly midnight last night, I stabbed one final needle into my bruised, aching and swollen belly and administered the HCG shot. We will return to the Great Big Infertility Clinic for retrieval tomorrow morning.

Right now, I just want this to be over. I feel angry, let down and betrayed by my body, empty, barren.

16 comments:

luna said...

oh ms. h, I'm so sorry. this all just sucks so badly and just isn't fair. I think I know how you feel, and it's so hard holding out hope when you just feel so hopeless.

it's quality over quantity, so I'm hoping you've got a a couple of good ones in there, just waiting to be fertilzed. I'll be thinking of you over the next few days, holding your hope for you. ~luna

shinejil said...

I am so, so sorry, Mrs. Heathen. This is just so much to deal with at one time.

I'm sending big, warm virtual hugs to you across the Pond.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm so sorry. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers even more than usual over the next few days, hoping for you and Mr. H to be granted some clarity and peace around all of this. And also some good news for a change.

Jendeis said...

Hon, I'm so sorry. I hope that this works out in some way. It just stinks.

Mrs.X said...

Hang in there, babe. You are almost there and you very well may have something to show for all of this discomfort! I hope things turn out as well as they can here - but, even if you don't have any eggs, you will have gained some valuable information that you can hopefully use in the future. It's hard to see that as comforting right now, I know, but keep it tucked away for later, should you need it.

I just want to say don't give up yet - you have done everything in your power to make this a successful cycle and you should be proud of yourself for that, even if it doesn't yield the results that you wanted. I recommend lots of purr therapy followed by husband snuggles. And, best of luck on your retrieval. I'll be thinking of you.

mybabyquest.wordpress.com said...

Don't give up yet, and don't blame yourself. This is mostly out of your control. It is a numbers game, if you can you should keep trying. Look at me - I only had 2 follicles last time and now I am as close to pregnant as I have ever been.

It is the hope that is the killer - you go up and down, up and down. I understand that you want this to be over, it is so hard. I am hoping for you that you have got a few good ones there.

Try to be kind to yourself.

Lisa said...

Thinking about you and wishing for nothing but the best for tomorrow. It's all so hard. You're doing everything you can, and that has to count for something.

Kim said...

That sucks. I hope retrieval goes well though - I'll be thinking about you and checking here to see how it goes.

jp said...

So sorry about how badly you are feeling. Let's hope the vitamins/acu etc have rendered your two follicles perfect!

BB and MTB said...

This just sucks, I know. I'll check back on you hoping that things went well - good luck!

Lisa said...

I am so very sorry you are going through all of this. Many hugs to you and I hope for a better outcome than you're expecting tomorrow.

Bee Cee said...

Stopped by as I saw you were having a rough time (as mentioned on Lost & Found Connections).

I do hope that some pleasant surprises are coming your way. I will keep my fingers crossed.

I live in the UK too, so if you needed a 'local' girl to vent with, please drop me a line.

Michell said...

I'm so sorry.

Searching said...

I'm so sorry. :( I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers while you try and sort so many things out.

the Babychaser: said...

God, that just sucks, sucks, sucks. Somehow I missed your last few posts, and I was feeling bad just reading about your uber-menapur shots. I do just ONE vial a morning, and that stuff stings! Can't imagine what you've gone through just to get to this point.

It sounds like, within the next few days, you are going to get some solid answers about your fertility. I know that's not much to ride on, especially if it's bad news. But maybe you can take some comfort in that.

There's nothing quite like the feeling of betrayal by your body, is there? I wish there was something I could do to ease the pain, but I know that all we can do is sit there with you and (metaphorically) hold your hand.

luna said...

hope you are recovering well from retrieval. wishing you every success with this whole process. hope you can take it easy at home and rest up. ~luna