Friday, 21 December 2007

What my unconscious is telling me

In waking life, our impeding cycle of IVF continues to have a vague air of unreality about it: I still cannot quite believe that our first appointment is on Monday morning.

In my dreams, however, the anxieties come thick and fast. I dream that I am in the bathroom, syringe in hand, but that I cannot bring myself to inject myself. I dream that I do not fully understand what medication I am to take when, and that I inadvertently miss an injection, thereby screwing up the whole cycle and sending us back to the very bottom of a six-month waiting list. I dream that I am to give a lecture on my experiences of infertility: the lights in the lecture hall go down, I open my mouth to speak, but no words will come out.

I suppose that what all these dreams are telling me is that I'm scared: I'm scared of the injections, I'm scared of the egg retrieval, I'm scared it won't work, and I'm scared that if it does work, I may miscarry. I thought I'd feel ready to do this, but I don't.


Meg said...

You wrote that so well...I think hundreds of thousands of women have shared your thoughts and fears. Perhaps focusing on each small step of the way may be less daunting.... hoping each step will work out seems like it may be easier said than done...I understand. Good luck Monday! It is your turn at the wheel! Yay!

Malloryn said...

I imagine it's difficult to truly be "ready" for IVF. It's not just the procedural things (injections, medications, etc.) but the big unknown that is the emotional side of it. Best of luck to you on Monday! You're in my thoughts.

Meghan said...

The unknown is so scary. And we've got so much invested in this.

Good luck Monday!

luna said...

Fear of the unknown is completely natural. I said all those things about 6 wks ago, and here I am the night before transfer... now is the time to accept those fears but not be ruled by them. embrace the wonderful possibility of success. why else would we subject ourselves to this?! one day at a time... ~luna

Lisa Rullsenberg said...

They gave you Xmas Eve as a start date? They couldn't have given you one slightly 'more' psychologically significant (sic)?

My thoughts will be with you both: life is scary, dreams more so, but all our thoughts will be with you.