In waking life, our impeding cycle of IVF continues to have a vague air of unreality about it: I still cannot quite believe that our first appointment is on Monday morning.
In my dreams, however, the anxieties come thick and fast. I dream that I am in the bathroom, syringe in hand, but that I cannot bring myself to inject myself. I dream that I do not fully understand what medication I am to take when, and that I inadvertently miss an injection, thereby screwing up the whole cycle and sending us back to the very bottom of a six-month waiting list. I dream that I am to give a lecture on my experiences of infertility: the lights in the lecture hall go down, I open my mouth to speak, but no words will come out.
I suppose that what all these dreams are telling me is that I'm scared: I'm scared of the injections, I'm scared of the egg retrieval, I'm scared it won't work, and I'm scared that if it does work, I may miscarry. I thought I'd feel ready to do this, but I don't.