Thursday, 16 October 2008

An irrational thought

What if there's been a mistake? What if I'm not really pregnant?

The other night, I had a dream in which someone from the hospital called me to explain that there had been a mix-up with my records. They were terribly sorry, but I wasn't actually pregnant after all: they had accidentally confused me with someone else of the same name. She was expecting a baby, I was not.

There are some dreams whose meaning is so obvious that they do not require psychoanalytic interrogation. Even though I have had three scans, even though I have seen with my own eyes the visible evidence of my pregnancy, even though I have had three separate letters from three separate doctors confirming that pregnancy, I still find it hard to believe. Somehow it still feels as though the rug may be pulled from under my feet at any moment.

I am now a little over thirteen weeks' pregnant. Despite all my anxieties that something would go wrong, I seem to have made it safely into the second trimester. The sickness has all but gone, and the crippling fatigue appears to be lifting.

But somehow the lack of symptoms makes it all the more difficult to believe that everything is still OK. While I was battling wave after wave of nausea, I could at least reassure myself that that was a sign that all was still well. Now I simply have to try and put my faith in the fact that, deep within my body, this invisible and mysterious process is continuing.

4 comments:

womb for improvement said...

You've made it past the first hurdle. Well done, and best of luck with the next two.

annacyclopedia said...

I'm thinking there is a deep metaphor in here about how morning sickness and first trimester symptoms are the training wheels of pregnancy - there to let you know things are as they should be. But when they start to pass, the initial relief is quickly replaced by panic - can I really do this? And now you need to learn to trust the mystery and trust the process and just know that you can do this, but it's hard to find that trust amidst all the fear.

That's the extent of my deep thoughts today - I'm too hopped up on sugar from the brownie I just ate to make it any clearer than that!

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, wishing for no crashes or wipeouts of any kind, and for peace to grow in your heart as surely as your wee one has been growing in your belly.

Lisa said...

Congrats on this milestone! It sounds like things are going so well. Keep the faith! You're on your way!

Gina said...

I have a good friend who was scared to death because she had no morning sickness. The first time she vomited, she was so freakin happy! Craziness I tell ya!