Thursday, 12 June 2008

In remembrance of things past

Once upon a time, I was one of those women - you know, the ones who we're all secretly convinced are in fact an urban infertility myth - the ones who get pregnant just before they're about to start their first cycle of IVF.

The month before we were due to start treatment, we went on holiday. I'd stopped charting at that point, so it wasn't until we got back home that I realised that I was a whole week late. Prompted by Mr H, I took a home pregnancy test for the first time in my life. I sat and watched incredulously as that magical second line appeared. Just to be sure, I took another test the following morning - and there it was again. I went to the doctor's, where a third test confirmed that yes, I was in fact pregnant. For two whole weeks, I hugged the precious secret of my pregnancy to myself. With every wave of nausea, it started to seem more and more real.

And then the bleeding started.

They booked me in for a scan later on in the week, but by then I already knew that I'd lost my baby. 'You've been a very lucky girl,' said the sonographer. 'The evacuation is more or less complete; you won't need surgery.' And so, two years ago to this day, I was discharged from the early pregnancy assessment unit at our local hospital.

That was it. My one brief experience of pregnancy.

And two years on, two attempts at IVF down the line, I can't help but wonder whether that was in fact my one shot, my only chance. Would all the subsequent BFNs somehow be easier to deal with if I hadn't had that one brief positive?

16 comments:

Lisa said...

I know exactly what you mean. I often wonder if my ectopic from IVF #1 and my M/C from IVF #4 were it - 2 shots, 2 missed opportunities, game over.

And, I'm still shivering at the "You've been a very lucky girl" comment....

kate said...

Ah, yes. I think that deep inside we all hope to end up as the freaky case where we buck convention and, golly geez!, actually end up pregnant without any assistance. And it happens just often enough that it keeps that tiny kernel of thought thriving in that dark corner in the back of our head. But really, that thought just messes everything else up.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be a real mindfuck for you to know that at least that once, you were able to do it on your own, and then to have lost that pregnancy. I'm just so sorry. How incredibly sucky.

Malloryn said...

I'm sorry for your loss. It must be so hard to battle the "What if's" after a miscarriage.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Those shining glimmers of positive indications can haunt so intensely. I've often wondered if we hadn't tried IVF and seen photos of our embryos would it have been easier to cope and move on. Like you, I just don't know...

Sending you wishes for much peace and strength...

s.e. said...

I think infertility automatically comes with the questions that haunt us. We are forced to analyze everything and we have difficulty shutting it off when our questions regard things out of our control. It's so hard to be so close and then so far away. (isn't that a song from the 80's?) I feel for you.

mybabyquest.wordpress.com said...

No, no, no.

That was NOT your only chance.

Your memory of your pregnancy is a precious one but I have hopes for something even more rewarding in your not-too-distant future.

Jendeis said...

I'm sorry honey. I have to believe that we don't just get one chance to do it right. What would be the point of living out our lives in some Calvinist hell? Good things have to happen, dammit, and they better start happening now, cause I'm mighty pissed. Um, this kind of became a rant, so I apologize for that too.

Mrs.X said...

You may not find this comment particularly helpful - but, I didn't get pregnant for the first two years that we were trying and I was beginning to wonder if there was some fundamental problem with everything (other than of course, all that we had discovered). So, when I got pregnant - and even after I miscarried - I was so thrilled to know that I could get pregnant.

If you can do it once, you can do it again.

Hugs on the anniversary.

luna said...

I also know what you mean. that one positive gives you so much hope for another, even when it doesn't seem to be forthcoming. cruel, isn't it?

thanks so much for your kind comment to M. we both really appreciate it!

annacyclopedia said...

I'm sorry you have to deal with these thoughts. I don't know if it would be any easier if you hadn't had that one pregnancy, but I do know that the wondering does my head in, no matter what it is I'm wondering about.

Wishing you peace.

Lisa said...

I had a similar experience with a chemical in early 2004 (we'd been trying for about 6 months then). I felt completely pregnant, and it was amazing. I lost it maybe 10 days later with little fanfare, just AF, and the OB said over and over what FANTASTIC news it was because it showed everything was working. I actually took that to hear at the time. Trouble is, nothing worked again for more than 4 years after that.

The chemical experience haunted me, less so because of the loss (which I'm sure sounds strange) than because I was always chasing that particular feeling of pregnancy again. And when it didn't come during any of the 50+ subsequent cycles, I did lot of wondering what went wrong, why anything worked at all, WHY it wasn't happening again . . .

I'm sorry you're having to wonder. And I'm so hoping you'll get to replace that loss with a new beginning very, very soon!

Lisa at infertileground

Shinejil said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shinejil said...

Sorry, dear, I had to delete the drivel. It's late...

I'm sorry for your loss. I think the hope of the chance pregnancy and the despair of the eternal one line are equal yet different tortures.

the Babychaser: said...

I hear you. Really, I do. After 8 months of TTC, after we had already booked an appointment with a doctor to start talking about infertility, I got pregnant. Two weeks later, before ever even seeing a doc about the pregnancy, it was gone. The most pregnant I felt was the day I went to the doctor for my miscarriage.

After that, we assumed IF treatment would work. Of COURSE IUI is going to work. Why wouldn't it? We got pregnant once, didn't we? Of COURSE IVF is going to work. Sucks that we have to spend the money, but if we can get pregnant all on our own, how could be NOT get pregnant from IVF?

For me, it's not the one chance, though. As of last month, I've been pregnant four times. And never have I known I was pregnant for more than two weeks (and that was the first time) without losing it.

I think that almost-success can be really hard to cope with. How do you ever know when to stop, when you've gotten so close?

I don't think it's over for you. And I do think it's a good sign that you've been pregnant. Diagnostically, it rules out a lot of causes for infertility.

But I also feel your pain, and uncertainty. I lost my first pregnancy just over two years ago as well, and I can't even believe I've been in this nightmare that long.

Stay strong, and try not to let it drag you down.

HeidiM said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I've had a super long day and will read your blog later but am glad to know someone else in the same boat. Or should I say, same life boat. Sorry, that's horrible. Maybe your blog says this somewhere, but do you know if anyone does both DHEA and estrogen priming at the same time? I can't figure out if the two drugs interract or cancel each other out. Anyway, I totally know how you feel on the single BFP, I had one once too. ttyl.

TABI said...

It's so hard not to look at the past and feel like those were our last chances for success. But I think we have to keep hope that the successful pregnancy lies ahead and not something we missed already in the past. I have to keep believing that or else it's too hard to keep going!!